Oh So Lonely...

...wherein I make broad generalizations about different cultures.

Greg Mankiw links to Sebastian Mallaby in the Washington Post who asks why are Americans so lonely?

The piece starts off by asking:

The question about loneliness is: Why do people do this to themselves? Why do Americans, who reported an average of nearly three close friends in 1985, now report an average of just over two? And why does one in four have nobody with whom to discuss personal issues? (emphasis mine)

I've been in the United States for five years, and at some point I want to either go back home or move to another country. And why would I want to do that, you ask? Well, there are a number of reasons, but one of the main reasons is that I miss the warmth and personal connection that American life seems to be devoid of. And just so that we're clear, I'm an introvert (INTP on the Myers-Briggs) and I LOVE solitude and time to myself . I've never been considered to be the life of a party (in fact, I hate parties) but at the same time, I need to occasionally gossip and catch-up with close friends. Or just have conversations on topics that interest me ( read = politics, finance/economics/business, current-affairs and other somnolent topics).

Establishing connections and having deep, satisfying, and meaningful conversations were very easy when I was in school. In fact, I naively assumed that life in America would parallel what I experienced in school. But, life outside school -- in the so-called real world (oh, how I hate that phrase) is altogether different. People seem to be hesitant to let you in their life and seem to be self-absorbed and more concerned with petty matters.

But as a visitor to America, one is instantly struck by just how friendly Americans are. In contrast, most Indians are fairly distant initially, but once we warm up there's no stopping our chit-chat. But the friendliness in America seems to be intensely superficial. At the end of it all, it's hard to make deep connections, and almost everyone seems to be self-absorbed and detached. Perhaps a better title for this post would have been "Why so detached?" The ostensible reason is that America is a mobile society and the superficial friendliness is to make folks comfortable. But that doesn't sound right...

Mallaby serves up the following reasons:

Meanwhile, people work more hours. They commute longer because they've moved to the exurbs in search of larger homes; they've got spacious entertainment rooms but no mental space for entertaining. And then there's the subtle effect of the culture. "Family time" is endlessly extolled, and lovers emit poetry and song about every facet of their relationships. But when was the last time a rock singer or a new man waxed lyrical about friendship?

Yet the biggest reason for American loneliness, and perhaps the clue to some kind of cure, lies in path dependency. People know that tending to friendship is important, but their behavior follows the path created by countless other decisions -- and friendship is neglected. Social science experiments reveal lots of behavior of this kind. People who agree with their doctors that they need hip replacements seldom get around to having the procedure.

An American traveling in India once wrote that "In India you're never alone, whereas in America you're always alone."

Now I realize that there are always exceptions to generalizations, but my German, Korean, Indian, and Chinese friends all express similar sentiments. Is this just another example of American exceptionalism or is it something that an "outsider" will never understand?